What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 02:10
Who then, do I blame.?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was 9 years of age.
How can you tell if someone is cunning?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But, we were locked up after school.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What's the most valuable lesson you've learned in life, and how has it impacted your journey so far?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Have you ever been instructed/forced to crossdress for the benefit of others?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
What is an appropriate response to someone saying "merci" in French?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So, i spoilt her more .
(And it was in our own minds.)
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I said to her
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Do girls ever miss their first love?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What does the Bible say about the Antichrist? How will we know when he arrives on the scene?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
What is the reason behind some people wearing trunks instead of speedos when swimming in pools?
But ive been too sick for many years..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Is having white skin really that attractive?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was scared of men, in general
She loved him until the end.
I have no regrets .
She married twice! .
I think the readers, may guess!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im still living with it.
It was going to be , some day.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Comes on , in middle age.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was in good health!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I waited trembling.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He knew the spot.
When she asked me how she looked .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Ive learnt so much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I don,t even have a pension.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My life is so biszare .
So whats the point in blame.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She wouldn,t have been !
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Put me off passion for life!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We all went to grammer schools
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But it wasn’t much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He resisted the act ,that day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She found it foreign!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was seconnd youngest,
Would this be the day?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I will be 64.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I never cut or harmed myself..
We were not on the streets..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
What did i know ?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
All the time i was locked up.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One cannot live in the past .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I write beautiful poetry .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i lived it daily.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My family never makes their pension either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
This is soul school!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.